I remember hearing Tony Robbins once say that when he was looking for love, he wrote down a list of all of the things he was looking for in his ideal woman. When he was finished, he looked at all of the wonderful qualities and thought to himself something like, “woah, she’s amazing, who am I to deserve/expect this?” (or something like that)
He decided to be more of all of those qualities himself. He wouldn’t need her to be all of those things to make up for something he was lacking. He would already be it. He would be ready for her.
I think there’s a lot to be said for this practice. Especially in our modern dating scene. The number one key everyone always says to those looking for love, is: love yourself first.
And while, that is great practical information… it’s rather esoteric. It’s like, oh great, that’s easy, but I truly have no idea what you’re talking about. Of course I love myself. Thanks for nothing. And thanks for making me feel like maybe I don’t.
So. The question is ‘How do you love yourself?’ in a non-porno way, although you can add that way in too if you like.
- If you’re truly stuck, start simple. Start a daily habit (and you can totally do this in secret, keep a note on your phone or a little journal next to your bed) and each day at the same time, like when you wake up, write down one thing that you are grateful for about yourself. Things like: I am grateful that I choose friends wisely. Or, I love that I have graceful hands. Or even something like, I am thankful that my legs are strong to carry me up the stairs. Something true about you, that you appreciate.
- You can make a list of things you admire in other people, this can often reflect qualities you also appreciate in yourself, and could even honor more. Like, you love how helpful your co-worker is… perhaps you could make a goal today to do one thing where you also felt helpful. Or, you like what a great listener your friend is… why not try that out a bit more for yourself? Appreciate these qualities in yourself as much as you do in other people.
- Have fun. Light up your spirit. Do things that truly make you feel alive. If you have a passion for flower arranging, do that more. If you absolutely love to go dancing, but have not in years, why not give it a go? If you love to write, or play with animals, or run, or do yoga, or do cartwheels, whatever brings you joy… do that more. Do it again.
When we ignite these things in ourselves, we look less for other people to make up for the areas we feel we are lacking. So that when you are in a dating situation, not only do you have things to talk about (since you’re doing things you love in your life), you’re also coming from a place of genuinely being you. You won’t have to wait to see if someone else will make you happy, or need them to validate all of the great qualities that make you you since you already do that on your own.